Hogs, Warts, Deaths, and Eaters
by giantpsychoticrabbit
Summary: See what happens when Lord Voldemort and his Death Eaters find a new headquarters, buy cell phones, have a sleepover at the Malfoy's, try to resolve their problems on Dr. Phil, and more!
1. He's Doomed

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Chapter 1: He's Doomed

Lord Voldemort cleared his throat. "We are gathered here today, in hopes of finding a new headquarters." His followers leaned in close so that no one could overhear their conversation.

"But why are we gathered at Wal-Mart?" asked the small, high-pitched voice of Peter Pettigrew. Another old woman had just run over his long, black robes with a squeaky shopping cart.

"Because, Wormtail," the wizard with red eyes and pale skin answered impatiently, "this is a place where we can just blend in with the crowd…no one will even notice us."

"Right," Severus Snape said sarcastically. "No one would ever notice a group of hooded men huddled together in the lawn and garden center…" Voldemort's slit-like pupils narrowed.

"Are you mocking me, Severus?" he asked in a dangerous voice.

"Never, my Lord," Snape replied. "Never…"

"Well, clearly you've never been to Wal-Mart at two in the morning – we fit in nicely. Anyway," the Dark Lord continued, "this time we need a better headquarters, one with properly working appliances. We don't want another one of those dishwasher incidences…" He paused and everyone shuddered. "So, does anyone have a suggestion?"

"Ooh, ooh! Pick me, my Lord, pick me!" Lucius Malfoy was jumping up and down with his hand high in the air. Voldemort rolled his eyes.

"Yes, Lucius?"

"Let's use my house! It has spacious bedrooms, a wrap-around porch, and 5 acres of woods so we can play Spotlight!" Voldemort pondered this as only a Dark Lord can ponder and sighed.

"As much as I love Spotlight, Lucius, I don't think we can use your house. Your son, Draco, will obviously know we are there. Once he returns to Hogwarts, Dumbledore could easily use Legilimency and discover our plans. No, we need a place that no one, especially Dumbledore, would think to look, somewhere in a Muggle neighborhood, somewhere like…" He looked up at Snape and grinned.

"What?" Snape asked curtly. Then it suddenly donned on him. "Oh no. Definitely not. No way. Don't even think about it." But the other Death Eaters were starring and grinning at him too, and he knew there was no point in arguing. He hung his head low. He was doomed.

Hope you enjoyed this! I really appreciate reviews! Up next is Voldemort's attempt to find a good cell phone plan.


	2. The Family Plan

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Chapter 2: The Family Plan

"Argh!" Voldemort grunted as he walked around Severus Snape's front yard, a cell phone clutched in his long, pale fingers.

"Is something wrong, my Lord?" Snape asked, stepping out into the cool morning breeze, sipping his frothy frappacino.

"Oh, it's just this stupid phone!" Voldemort snarled. "I can't seem to get any service here." He pressed a few buttons and held the phone to his ear. "Can you hear me now?" He moved to the other side of the yard and tilted himself into a strange position. "Can you hear me now?"

"Um…if I may make a suggestion, my Lord," Snape spoke timidly, "perhaps it would be best to try the back yard. The neighbors might sense your evilness and start to suspect something. Plus, my crepe myrtle trees tend to interfere with reception."

"No, Severus," Voldemort said calmly, "I think it's time to find a new phone service." He gently placed the phone on the ground. "_Incendio_!" It spontaneously burst into flames. Voldemort laughed manically and began dancing around the flaming phone as only a Dark Lord can. Snape sighed.

"Well, if the neighbors didn't suspect something before…" But Voldemort was still dancing and laughing. "Um…my Lord?" Still no response. "You know, you probably could have gotten a refund on that phone…" Voldemort suddenly stopped and glared at Snape.

"_Crucio_!"

Two hours later, Lord Voldemort walked into the nearest wireless store. It was packed with Muggles and Voldemort had to resist the urge to hex every one of them.

"Ooh, over here, sir! Over here! I'm available!" The blond-haired, over-enthusiastic saleswoman hurried through the crowd toward Voldemort. "Are you wanting to add more anytime minutes, add another line, get international service? Did you know you can text message unlimitedly now for only $70 extra per month? Or - "

"Silence!" Voldemort shouted. Everyone in the store looked at him. He felt his face getting red – he really should get a tan so this wouldn't be as noticeable. "Uh…so how about those anytime minutes?" Everyone murmured, nodded, and resumed their business. "Actually, I'm just here to find a good, basic cell phone plan."

"Well," the girl began, talking at insanely high speeds, "I recommend the $700 a month plan. You get 5000 anytime minutes, unlimited nights and weekends, rollover minutes, unlimited mobile-to-mobile, and no roaming or long distance!" Voldemort just starred at her and then –

"_Avada Kedavra_!" There was a green flash and the girl fell to the ground. No one seemed to notice. Seconds later another overly enthusiastic salesman ran up to Voldemort.

"How can I help you, sir? What kind of plan are you looking for?"

"Well," Voldemort said, a little confused, "I don't really care about mobile-to-roaming minutes or no rollovers…I just want - "

"Ooh – I recommend this phone!" He showed Voldemorta very fancy flip phone. "It only costs $5…" Then he quickly muttered, "…when you sign a lifetime contract."

"Well, that sounds reasonable, I guess…"

"Do you need more than one line? Any friends or family you need to contact often?" Voldemort suddenly thought of his Death Eaters and decided this might be a good idea. "Great! Then I'll just sign you up for a family plan…"

Three hours later, Voldemort was still waiting for his phones. He had found out he would be paying $1000 a month once you added on the taxes, activation fees, service fees, voicemail fees, hidden fees, top-secret fees, and we're-gonna-suck-you-dry fees. But the Dark Lordhad accepted the contract anyway, spotting words like "enslavement", "soul", and "eternity" before being forced to sign in his own blood. Now he was waiting on the salesman behind the counter to finish entering information into the computer, which had taken him half an hour so far.

"Um… it is supposed to take this long?" Voldemort asked impatiently.

"Oh, yeah….uh huh…" He continued to stare at the screen and rapidly click the mouse as only as salesman can.

"What are you doing anyway?" Voldemort quickly leaned over the counter to see the computer before the salesman could react. "You're playing Spider Solitaire!" Voldemort roared. He'd had it up to there with this. "I've had it up to here with this! _Avada Kedavra_! _Avada Kedavra_!"

A few minutes later, Voldemort emerged from the store after murdering all of the salespeople. He felt very proud of himself for what he had accomplished until he looked down at all the phones.

"…family plan…" he mumbled to himself. "Severus will never let me live this down…"

A/N: Hope you liked this chapter! It was inspired by true events. Well, the signing in blood part wasn't, but I wouldn't have been surprised if they had made us do that. Anyway, next time Lucius has a birthday sleepover at his house and finally gets to play Spotlight!


	3. The Sleepover Part I

The Sleepover – Part I

The Death Eater meeting was drawing to a close. The evil men and two women – Bellatrix and Alecto – had just finished eating their tea and crumpets and plotting to take over England. Lord Voldemort glanced around the room gleefully.

"Well, unless anyone else has something to add, then I suppose we'll adjourn until next week's pancake breakfast…"

As the Death Eaters began to rise from their chairs, Lucius Malfoy burst out, "Oh, I almost forgot!" He rummaged through the pockets of his expensive black leather trench coat and pulled out several envelopes. "As you all know, my birthday is next Saturday. In the past, I've had bowling parties, parties at the park…and there was that one fiasco with the clown…" There was a collective shudder throughout the room. "So this year I thought we'd try something new – a sleepover!"

Snape rolled his eyes and said, "Isn't that a bit…childish. Maybe - "

Wormtail interrupted, "Is Narcissa going to make waffles the next morning?"

"Yes, I suppose," Lucius replied.

"Well, then it's settled," Voldemort cut in, "we'll be there."

"Wait! I have to give you these first. I spent all night making them." He passed the invitations around the room and watched anxiously as they were opened. They were covered with stickers and glitter; he had decorated the invitations as only a Death Eater can. The others sat in a stunned silence. Lucius took this as a good sigh. "And don't forget to RSVP!" Snape scowled.

"Can't we just tell you we're coming now?"

"No! We need to use our new cell phones," Lucius said, enthusiastically. "I can't wait to hear my ring tone – it's 'Orinoco Flow' from my new Celtic Women CD!"

Five days later, the Death Eaters arrived one by one at the Malfoy manor. The sun was beginning to set behind the large, stone mansion as all of the guests piled their presents on the massive, oak dining room table.

"I love what you've done with the place," Voldemort told Lucius as he glanced around the humble abode. "It's so…dark and…sinister."

"Thanks!" Lucius replied excitedly. He proceeded to show them his birthday cake. "I got a Narnia cake; I just loved that movie!" Once again, Snape merely rolled his black eyes. "And when I thought Aslan died…" Lucius began to tear up, "…I just…broke down…and…"

"There, there," Bellatrix Lestrange comforted her brother-in-law. "Let's just go get the tents set up." Lucius nodded and everyone followed her out to the backyard. The sky was now streaked with red and the sun was growing less visible on the horizon as Lucius Malfoy and his Death Eater guests began setting up their tents.

"I bought six tents, which should be enough for all of us," Lucius cheerfully told his guests. "One for Avery and Nott, one for Crabbe and Goyle, one for Dolohov and Amycus, one for the girls, one for the Dark Lord and Wormtail, and the last for Snape and me!" Everyone seemed to accept this arrangement except for Snape.

"What! How come I have to share a ten with him? Why can't Wormtail?" Voldemort grasped Snape by the shoulder and led him aside.

"Listen Severus," he whispered. "This is Lucius's party and we'll do things his way. And you must have sensed it…I daresay Lucius has always been rather fond of you…" He walked away smirking, leaving Snape looking horrified.

"Now we're going to play a little game," Lucius told them after the tents had been set up.

Peter suddenly interrupted, "Oh oh! Can we play 'Spin the Bottle'? Please, please!" Everyone slowly turned their heads toward Snape and starred longingly.

Lucius began, "Well, I suppose it wouldn't hurt - "

"NO!" Snape roared. "I'm putting my foot down! Absolutely no 'Spin the Bottle!'" They all looked about to protest. "Don't make me Crucio you!"

"Alright, alright. Let's just go sit on the patio and play the 'Who Know Lucius Game?'"

"The what game?" Dolohov asked inquisitively.

"It's where we find out which of you knows me best!" They made their way to the patio table where they found a quiz and a pencil awaiting each of them. They began hesitantly and halfway through, Snape looked up.

"How are we supposed to know you're favorite type of flower? I didn't even know you liked flowers…"

"I guess we just need to bond a little more then…" Lucius winked and grinned at Snape, who shuddered and continued the questionnaire. Minutes later they had all finished and Lucius read off the answers.

"And finally," he concluded, "given the choice between the mountains, the beach, or the city, I'd go to the beach…work on my tan, you know…Now if you'll just add up how many you got right…" Once the game was over, Snape was declared the winner. Lucius beamed at him.

"It's just because I know Draco," Snape said hastily. "I've heard a lot about you from him."

"Here, don't forget your prize." He handed a small tube to Snape. "It's lip gloss, in my favorite flavor." Snape rolled his eyes and hear Wormtail mutter, "…I wanted that…" Lucius gazed at the sky and turned back the Death Eaters

"Alright, everyone. It's dark enough to play Spotlight! We'll be on teams of two and whoever is your tent partner is your teammate. Now, everyone grab flashlight. Who wants to look first?" Nobody seemed very willing. "Okay, you all hide and Snape and I will try to find you. The house is the only hiding place off-limits. You can hide anywhere outside. And no Invisibility Cloaks! Or Disapparating!"

Snape and Lucius waited five minutes while the others hid. Slowly, they began to search the back patio, moving further out toward the woods. After five minutes, they had found no trace of anyone. Snape was fast becoming bored and annoyed.

"Hmm…" Lucius muttered. "I thought for sure I heard Avery and Nott behind that tree." Snape was sick of this.

"I'm sick of this!" he told Lucius. "_Accio Avery! Accio Nott_!" The two Death Eaters came flying out from behind a nearby tree. "Look, I found them."

"Hey, that's not fair," Lucius whined. "No Summoning Charms either!" Snape just shrugged and began walking between two rows of hedges. He leaned over the row on his right and yelled, "_Crucio_," then the row on the left, "_Crucio_," then back to the right.

"What are you doing now!" Lucius cried.

"I figured this would draw them out…"

"You can't do Unforgivable Curses either! In fact, no magic at all!"

The searched continued for over half and hour though no one else was to be found. Lucius could hold his bladder no longer so the pair went inside for a break. As they passed through the dining room, they found all of the other Death Eaters sitting at the table, talking, laughing, and eating cake.

"What are you doing!" Lucius yelled. "I said the house was off-limits!" The other just looked around at each other, shrugged, and went back to their cake. Lucius looked up at Snape pitifully.

Snape shrugged, "Well, they _are_ Death Eaters…"

In Part II of "The Sleepover," Lucius will finally get to open his presents and eats what's left of his cake. Also the Death Eaters will tell ghost stories around the campfire, play an interesting game of Truth or Dare, make prank phone calls to members of the Order of the Phoenix, and eat waffles in the morning!


	4. The Sleepover Part II

Hogs, Warts, Deaths, and Eaters

Chapter 4: The Sleepover (Part II)

Wiping the last crumb of his Narnia cake from his lips, Lucius Malfoy looked around at his large stack of presents sitting on the dining room table.

"Time for presents," he yelled happily. The others Death Eaters merely groaned and joined the birthday boy at the table.

"Mine first! Open mine first!" said Wormtail excitedly. Lucius, with a hungry look in his cold eyes, proceeded to rip at the paper of a small, badly wrapped present as a child would at Christmas. Smiling, he examined this first present. It contained several pages of temporary, stick-on tattoos comprised of butterflies, flowers, and little sparkly stars.

"Oooohh!! Little sparkly stars! My favorite! How did you know?" At this point, many of the Death Eaters stifled a laugh while Snape just groaned and rolled his eyes.

"Well," Wormtail told Lucius, "I thought you might use them to decorate your Dark Mark! That's what I did." Rolling up his sleeve, he showed the group his Dark Mark which was now encircled in yellow daisy tattoos; a larger "I Love You!!!" tattoo now looked as if it were coming out of the skeleton's mouth. Lord Voldemort shot Wormtail a look that clearly said, "How dare you defile the Dark Mark with such filth?!" Lucius thanked Wormtail and proceeded to the next package. This one read: From Your Master, the Dark Lord, aka Lord Voldemort, Face of Fear, Prince of Pain, Duke of Death, Master of Misery, Earl of Evil…here it appeared Voldemort had run out of room on the small present to write any more nonsense. Lucius chuckled as he open the package to reveal a small, moving (thus, obviously magical) action figure of none other than the famous Harry Potter.

"I've bewitched one especially for you," Lord Voldemort said evilly. "You can use any of the Unforgivable Curses on him and he reacts exactly as the real Potter would! Watch!" Voldemort removed his wand from his robes and yelled, "Crucio!" The Death Eaters watched in awe as the little Harry Potter began twitching and groaning in pain. All of them were fascinated, and only after each of them took turns Avada Kedavra-ing the action figure did Lucius move along to the next present – Snape's.

"Errr," Lucius said uncertainly, "what is it?" He held up a small jar. Snape looked annoyed.

"I thought it was obvious," he sneered. "Hair gel. Same kind I use." Lucius glanced up hesitantly at Snape's oily, greasy, ugly, nasty hair and seemed to be at a loss for words. Now, Snape just looked insulted. After Lucius unconvincingly tried to assure Snape that this hair gel was exactly what he always wanted, he opened the remainder of his presents, including a snake from Bellatrix and a collection of Dark poetry from Dolohov, some of which he wrote himself. He wrote haikus as only a Death Eater can. For example, Voldy is awesome/ Avada Kedavra rocks/ But Harry Potter is stupid and will probably die pretty soon. (Lucius did not have the heart to tell him that there might have been too many syllables in that last line.)

Finally having opened all of his presents, the real fun got started. The Death Eaters along with their Master decided to head down to the basement to play a game of Truth or Dare. For the most part, the game was not going well. None of them told the truth, most of them knew who was lying, and the dares usually involved someone being in pain or someone being forced to sing, which caused everyone else to be in pain. As it was Lucius's birthday, his turn came last. Feeling risk-taking at the moment, he chose a dare. Voldemort smiled.

"Ah, I have the perfect task for you, Lucius," he said with an evil drawl in his voice. Everyone stared at him and waited with bated breath. "Why don't you make a little phone call over to our friends at the Order of the Phoenix..."

"You mean, like a prank phone call?" Lucius asked, grinning.

"I suppose...if that's what their calling it these days," Voldemort muttered. The others were very excited at this suggestion. "Due to that silly Fidelius Charm, we do not know the location of their headquarters and Severus, here, is not their Secret-Keeper and thus cannot tell us...but he can, however, give us their phone number..." Snaped sighed and a few moments later Lucius was excitedly listening to the ringing phone (which he had put on speaker phone so everyone could hear). A deep, manly voice answered.

"Hello? This is Kingsley speaking."

"Uh, hi," said Lucius, "Is this the Order of the Phoenix?"

"It is."

"Well, I'd like to order a phoenix...haha...A nice big, juicy one...medium rare." The others roared with laughter, with the exception of Snape who obviously did not find the joke very funny, and Lucius hung up before Kingsley could respond. The prank phone calls continued for another hour, getting even less funny and more stupid as the time passed.

Bellatrix called Azkaban and asked, "Is Sirius Black there? You need to tell him to lighten up and stop being so "serious"...haha...get it? Serious!"

Here, Dolohov shouted in the background, "Yeah, that's the color I'm going to paint my living room - serious black!" (That's a Death Eater's favorite color, I might add.)

Alecto called Hogsmeade Station to ask, "If I use magic to make Platform 9 3/4 1/4 bigger, how big would it be?" Much maniacal laughter ensued.

But when Wormtail called Honeydukes and asked, "Do you have Bertie Bott's in a box? Well you'd better let him out!" Snape had finally had enough and was able to convince the others that it was getting really dark outside.

"Excellent point, Snape!" exclaimed Bellatrix. "Time for ghost stories!"

"I meant it was time for bed..." Snape murmured as the others were already collecting the supplies for marshmallows. They all made their way back out to area with the tents and found that their family house elf had their campfire already blazing. Each took turns telling a not-really-very-scary story, mostly involving the Cruciatus Curse, the boogeyman, or Chuck Norris. Finally, Wormtail looked to Voldemort.

"Master," he squeaked nervously, "some of us have heard your stories before...we thought maybe you could tell us a really scary story..." He lowered his voice, "You know...one where good wins?" There was a collective shudder.

Voldemort thought for a moment, his red slits for eyes glowing in the light of the fire, and spoke slowly, "Indeed...I do know a most horrifying tale..." The others leaned in, so as to hear better. Before Voldemort spoke again, however, there was a small rustling noise from the bushes nearby. Everyone jumped but decided it must have just been an animal from the nearby forest. "As I was saying," Lord Voldemort continued, his voice like a soft hiss, "once upon a time, there was a prince and young peasant girl...they fell in love...yada yada yada...Let's just skip to the good part. There was also an evil witch." (Here, everyone listened more closely.) "She was the most powerful magician in the land and she captured the peasant girl in order to lure the prince away." Voldemort went on to describe the methods of "interrogation" used upon the girl, which took up most of the story. "But unfortunately, the witch did not realize that there was a certain magical sword that if used upon her would destroy her forever. I, of course, would never have been foolish enough to not see that one coming. So the prince began to creep up behind the witch...drew his sword...and -"

"STUPIFY!" The Death Eaters jumped and Snape fell over, stunned. As the others looked around, they saw several members of the Order of the Phoenix jump out from behind the bushes, surrounding them.

"Ha ha!" cried Tonks, pointing her wand at the group in the middle. "You thought you could get away with those stupid prank phone calls! But you forgot one thing - the Order always has caller ID!"

A small battle then ensued, during which several Death Eaters and members of the Order were stunned or injured. Seeing as how Dumbledore had not saw fit to accompany his followers, however, Voldemort had a large advantage and the others began to retreat but not without yelling, "Ha ha...we crashed the party!" before they ran away.

Voldemort stood fuming while Lucius patted him on the shoulder.

"Come on, let's just go to bed...we'll get them back some other time..." The others seemed to think this good advice as well; once they heeled their injuries they trotted off unhappily toward their tents.

"Severus," whispered Lucius, as the two lay in their tent, looking up at the stars, "are you asleep?"

"Yes," Snape muttered sarcastically, "so please leave me alone."

Ignoring him, Lucius continued, "What do you want to do when you grow up?" Snape rolled his eyes under his closed eyelids.

"We ARE grown up, Lucius, but apparently you've failed to notice..."

"No, I mean, after we're done being Death Eaters and all that...I mean, we can't do this forever." Snape gave a loud snore (which he was, of course, faking) and Lucius gave up his attempts at a late-night, heart-felt chat.

Snape rolled over as the sunlight hit his sallow face only to see Lucius Malfoy lying curled up against him.

"Ahhh!" Snape screamed and hurriedly got up. He had awoken the rest of the party guests and they all decided to go ahead and eat some of Narcissa's famous waffles before packing up and heading home. Most of the guests, with the exception of Snape and Lord Voldemort (who always wore a black cloak everywhere anyway), wore there Death Eater pajamas to breakfast.

When it was time to leave, Lucius thanked his guests for his presents and Lord Voldemort reminded them of there next scheduled event, a fundraiser bake sale in Knockturn Alley. They each said their goodbyes and headed home.

The sun was setting as Severus Snape approached the large, wooden desk of Albus Dumbledore.

"Yes, Severus?" Dumbledore asked, peering over his half-moon spectacles and a copy of the Evening Prophet.

"I wish to rejoin the Order of the Phoenix once more, sir, if you'll have me. I'm sorry I walked out at the company picnic...it was just that -"

"Never mind that, Severus," said Dumbledore, beaming. "You are forgiven. Now, have you gleaned any important information at this latest gathering?"

"Only that their stupidity is far worse than I feared," Snape replied. He smirked. "But I have a plan...a plan I believe will end this silly war once and for all..."

Next time: Snape reveals his plans to both the Order and the Death Eaters: they will stage an intervention for Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort to work out their issues with the help of none other but Dr. Phil. Will the two be outraged at their friends' interference? Will they remain mortal enemies or resolve their problems once and for all? And more importantly, will Dr. Phil be able to survive the encounter?


	5. A New Friendship

Hogs, Warts, Deaths, and Eaters (Ch. 5)

A New Friendship

"And welcome back to the Dr. Phil show," said a balding Dr. Phil with a southern accent as he starred into the camera. "You've just seen the results of my new one-week conflict resolution program first hand. McCoy and Hatfield, life-long members of a terrible feud, are now best of friends! Before I bring out my next guests, I'd like to show a recap of last week's unforgettable show where we first introduced you to another pair of life-long feuders before they began their one-week friendship program. Roll the clip!"

On the screen behind Dr. Phil, a split-screen video of both Harry Potter and Lord Voldemort waiting separately backstage began to play.

Dr. Phil's disembodied voice announced, "As you'll recall, we told both Harry Potter and 'Lord Voldemort,' as he prefers to be called, that they were each invited to the show to meet their secret admirers. However, before bringing them out on stage, we talked to the people behind this intervention." The clip changed to reveal most of the Death Eaters sitting on the couches of Dr. Phil's stage, facing most of the Order of the Phoenix.

"Well," said the friendly voice of Albus Dumbledore, "we all thought it would be for the greater good to put aside our many differences and bring our two friends together so we can get back to a normal life once and for all."

"Now," said Dr. Phil concernedly, "when you say 'differences,' what exactly do you mean? In other words, what is the source of Mr. Potter's and Mr. Voldemort's feud?" (Here the audience sniggered at the latter's name.)

"Oh, that's simple," replied Dumbledore casually. "We're good and they're evil." He pointed at the Death Eaters, who nodded enthusiastically. The audience, including Dr. Phil this time, chuckled.

"Uh huh," said Dr. Phil. "Well, let's go ahead and bring out our two guests then, and perhaps we'll discover who is to blame for starting the feud and why it was started. And now...here they are - Harry Potter, student, and Lord Voldemort, evil master mind!" The two guests walked out from opposite ends of the set, looking around excitedly for their secret admirers.

Once they spotted each other and concluded the other was surely not their secret admirer, they both drew their wands, ran toward each other, and screamed, "YOU!" Several large security men in black T-shirts stepped forward to restrain them. Dr. Phil chuckled, looking at the wands.

"Ha, I really doubt hitting each other will sticks is going to solve anything. If you'll each have a seat...very good. Now, each of your friends here has expressed concern over your violent tendencies and wishes to help you work out your issues." Harry glared at the Order, who merely grinned and shrugged. The Death Eaters, however, cowered in their chairs as Voldemort gave them a oh-I'll-so-get-you-later-for-this stare.

"Alright," Dr. Phil told them. "Now, Harry, let's start with you. Are you able to pinpoint the main reason you don't get along with Mr. Voldemort here."

Immediately, Harry answered, "Because he keeps trying to kill me!"

"Only because you won't die!" Voldemort retorted, as the audience gasped.

"Now, now," said Dr. Phil calmly, "we won't have any of that! Okay, Voldemort, why is it that you hate Harry so?"

Voldemort hesitated, then replied, "Because when I tried to kill him years ago, he made me lose all my powers! I became weak...and I wanted revenge!"

"Right..." Dr. Phil laughed. "And why did you want to kill him in the first place?"

"It was because of a prophecy!" interrupted Wormtail. "A prophecy made to him!" He pointed a shaky finger at Dumbledore.

"Yeah," said Bellatrix, "this is all his fault! Get him!"

As the Death Eaters leapt toward Dumbledore, Harry cried, "Yes, but who actually told Voldemort about the prophecy!" Everyone stopped and glared at Snape.

"Oh no," said Snape backing up toward the audience. "You're not seriously blaming all this on me..." The Death Eaters, as well as the Order, slowly approached Snape...their wands were drawn...and then-

The clip cut away and the present Dr. Phil said, "Well, I think you get the idea...So now, before I bring them out and show you the results, here's a few clips of what these two feuders have been doing over the past week, which they have spent every minute of together."

Another video began to play, this time accompanied by a slow, sentimental song. Images of Harry and Voldemort began to appear: blinding flashes of green light, the two scowling at being forced to play miniature golf together, cookie cutters flying through the air as the two spent time in the kitchen, Harry drawing a scar on a sleeping Voldemort's forehead with a sharpie... The clip ended and Dr. Phil looked back at the camera.

"Well...uh, let's just bring them out and see if they have made any progress." Very unwillingly, Harry and Lord Voldemort walked onto the stage, side-by-side, and took seats next to each other. "Alright, I know you had a long way to go, but it seems like your making progress. Is there anything you two would like to say to each other now?" The audience waited with bated breath, perhaps expecting apologies, as the two slowly turned to face each other.

Suddenly, they simultaneously cried, "NOW!" In a split second, they had both drawn their wands, smoke filled the air, and there sat Dr. Phil, who was now a large chicken, clucking frantically. The audience screamed and chaos ensued, as they all ran to the nearest exits.

"Great," muttered Snape. "Now look what you've done. We've got to go find them all and modify their memories! That's just great..." The Death Eaters as well as the members of the Order of the Phoenix ran outside and began to chase the screaming audience members down the street.

As Harry and Voldemort walked outside to watch, they turned and faced each other.

"That was a clever plan," Harry said, grinning.

"Yeah, I have those sometimes," Voldemort replied, returning the grin. Suddenly, he seemed to realize that he was being very out-of-character, as only Voldemort can. "If you ever tell anybody about us...I swear...I'll...I'll...kill you!"

"Well, you haven't been able to do that yet... And if you tell anyone, I'll tell your Death Eater buddies how you're afraid of the dark, wet the bed, and sleep with a stuffed rabbit named Fu-Fu."

"Right," said Voldemort. "It's nice to know we can be friends and still blackmail each other." They turned and headed down the street. "Avada Kedavra!" Harry jumped and dived out of the way. "Sorry... it'll take a while to break that habit..." And the two laughed as they walked arm-in-arm into the sunset.

Next time: Voldemort's new headquarters are at Malfoy Manor. When he's not planning to rule the world (which is the same thing he does every night), see what Voldy does in his normal, daily life. How will his new friendship with Harry affect both the Death Eaters and the Order? And find out if Dr. Phil will remain a chicken for the rest of his life and perhaps even lay a few eggs or if Voldemort will truly meet his match and suffer the wrath of Dr. Phil's most powerful friend, Oprah. All this coming up in "Voldemort's Dirty Laundry."

A/N: Thank you all so much for taking time to read this story! I really appreciate the great reviews! And by the way, you had it right, GuesssWho, having Harry and Voldemort become friends was exactly my plan!


	6. Voldemort's Dirty Laundry

Hogs, Warts, Deaths, and Eaters (Ch.6)

Voldemort's Dirty Laundry

The queen of day-time television, Oprah Winfrey, sat in her study in her massive Chicago home. She had just learned the fate of her friend, Dr. Phil. Rather than being upset, Oprah merely sat trying to decide whether or not she should waste her precious time attempting to find this Lord Voldemort and force him to fix Dr. Phil. Instead, she could be starting another African school, giving away free cars, donating to charities, or plotting to take over the world. Yes..., she thought to herself, take over the world...

Oprah got up from her chair and approached the oval mirror on the wall. She cleared her throat and spoke.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, who's the closest to ruling the world of them all?" She smiled, already knowing the answer, though she had not asked the mirror this question for quite some time. A face slowly materialized in the mirror.

"Oh...hello Mistress Winfrey, "said the mirror in a wheezy voice. "YOU are the second most powerful person in the world." Oprah grinned.

"Yes, of course, I knew -" she broke off. "Wait, second? WHAT DO YOU MEAN SECOND?!"

"Well...there's someone else now who's passed you, you see..." Oprah was becoming more enraged by the second. Her face was turning red and small amounts of steam were escaping from her ears.

"You tell me right now who's first. And I'll make sure they never again see the light of day!"

"His name is Lord Voldemort." Oprah threw back her head and let out a howl of rage.

Thousands of miles away, Lord Voldemort sat glued to a TV screen with a PlayStation 2 controller in his hands. He had been living at Malfoy Manor ever since he suspected that Snape may have gotten fed up with the Death Eaters and rejoined the Order of the Phoenix. However, he had now been avoiding plotting to kill Harry Potter since the two had become friends. They now had to resort to hushed, late-night phone calls to keep their secret safe. But now Voldemort, as one of the most wanted criminals in the world, had to stay indoors at all times (though he had always had a secret desire to be on C.O.P.S...he couldn't help - the theme song was catchy). Thus, Voldemort had resorted to bossing the Malfoy's around and playing video games.

The other Death Eaters had persuaded Voldemort to try working from home to make some money for their organization. Thus Voldemort had begun his wallpaper border-selling business on Ebay. As this was apparently not wallpaper border season, though, Voldemort was becoming more bored by the day. He was even considering taking up cooking and knitting.

Lucius Malfoy and Bellatrix Lestrange, who was also staying with the Malfoy's, passed by the family room where Voldemort was playing video games and singing to himself, "Bad boys, bad boys. Whatcha going do? Whatcha going do when they come for you? Bad boys, bad boys."

"Um, excuse me my Lord, but I believe we have a small business matter to discuss."

"Not now, Lucius," Voldemort said irritably. "Can't you see I'm right in the middle of Grand Theft Auto. I swear, whoever invented this game is a genius! ...Now do you think I should use the bazooka or the flame thrower on that annoying pedestrian?"

"Um, my Lord, this really is rather important. You see, Severus has been trying to contact you all morning and your cell phone's not ringing. But I think we've figured out the problem. You need to call and activate your phone with the company. Until then, I don't think it'll work."

"Good idea, I'll use the chainsaw," Voldemort muttered, obviously not paying attention to Lucius, who just rolled his eyes and left the room.

A few hours later, after he had gotten stuck on a level where he had to use a helicopter to drop bombs on a building (which is pretty much impossible to do), Voldemort sat attempting to figure out how to activate his cell phone. The directions said all he had to do was call a number, listen to an automated message, and enter a few numbers from his phone.

"Couldn't be that bad," Voldemort said to himself as he dialed the number. A woman's robot-like voice came on the line.

"If you would like to hear our new deals, press one. If you would like to change your current plan, press two. If you would like to speak to a representative, press three." Voldemort was already getting angry - he just wanted to activate his phone but that wasn't one of the options. He decided to press 2. The voice spoke again.

"Please enter your phone number." Voldemort did so. "Please enter your phone's serial number." Again, he did so. "Please enter your phone's model number...Please enter your date of birth...Please enter your social security number...Please enter your favorite number..." At this point, Voldemort was starting to wonder if this was such a good idea. "Please state your name." Voldemort did.

"I'm sorry, can you repeat that more clearly?"

"Lord Voldemort," he said very slowly.

"Your name is Bored Schmoldemort. Is this correct?"

"No!" Voldemort yelled into the phone.

"Did you say you would like to speak to a representative?"

"No! I said my name is Lord Voldemort."

"So your name is Fort Lauderdale?"

"LORD VOLDEMORT!" he roared into the phone. The other Death Eaters began entering the room to see what was causing all the noise.

"Okay, Mr. Refrigerator, what is your address?" Voldemort sighed and proceeded with the answering her next round of questions, which she was now firing off very rapidly. "What is your mother's maiden name? What school did you graduate from? What's your middle name? What'd you eat for breakfast?"

"Lucky Charms, but how is that even relevant?!"

"Did you say you would like to speak to a representative?"

"No! I -"

"What color is your underwear?"

"Black," said Voldemort, as the Death Eaters around him grinned.

"You are lying. What color is your underwear?" Voldemort mumbled something. "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?"

"Mauve! Are you happy now?!" The Death Eaters roared with laughter.

"I am asking the questions," the computer programmed voice responded. "Would like to speak to a representative?"

"You know what, sure! Then I might get something accomplished!"

"Please hold, Mr. Refrigerator." Elevator-like music began to play as Voldemort was forced to wait half-hour before the music finally stopped. "I'm sorry, there is no one available to speak to you at this time. You may call back later. Thank you." The voice hung up. Voldemort drew his wand and pointed it at the phone. Before he could say anything, however, Narcissa Malfoy entered the room, carrying a basket of fresh laundry.

"Oh, good," said Voldemort, thinking that at least he could get some clean robes.

"Um, there's been a bit of an accident, my Lord." Voldemort peered at her. "You see, I had Draco do the laundry and, well, he's not that experienced with it...He didn't realize that bleach will take out the color of everything." Voldemort looked livid.

"Are you telling me that my evil, black robes are now...white?!"

"Well...that's not the worst of it. You see, Draco was also washing some of his bright red sweaters and well..." She reached into the laundry basket and held up an armful of Voldemort's robes. He dropped to the floor with his arms outstretched and looked to the heavens.

"NOOOO!!! PINK!!!!"

Next time: A cell phone company makes a new enemy, Oprah attacks and brings reinforcements, the Order of the Phoenix makes a plan of their own, and Voldemort really does learn to cook and knit. All this and more coming up in "Voldemort: Dark Lord or Desperate Housewife?"


	7. Dark Lord or Desperate Housewife?

Hogs, Warts, Deaths, and Eaters Ch. 7

Voldemort: Dark Lord or Desperate Housewife?

Albus Dumbledore sat at his wooden desk, scribbling on some important paperwork and muttering to himself.

"Are you even listening to me?" asked Severus Snape, standing up and leaning over Dumbledore's desk. Dumbledore made no sign that he even heard Snape. "Voldemort has apparently decided to pause in his attempt to destroy Harry Potter! Don't you realize that this is the perfect opportunity for us to strike! His guard is down and right now, he's more interested in knitting potholders than taking over the world. I'm telling you, Dumbledore, we must act now!"

"Hmmmm…" said Dumbledore in deep concentration. Snape smiled: apparently Dumbledore was finally listening. "I think this could be a seven…but a nine would also work. What do you think, Severus?" Snape looked down and realized what the "important papers" were that Dumbledore had been working on.

"Sudoku?! You're playing Sudoku at a time like this?! We need to be making a plan!" Snape shouted.

"Well, you interrupted me. I finally made it to a puzzle with four stars!" He folded his hands together and peered at Snape. "Besides, it seems to me like Voldemort is now more of a desperate housewife than a Dark Lord anyway. So what do we have to worry about?" Snape just stared at Dumbledore and turned to leave.

As he placed his hand on the door to leave, Dumbledore called, "And it just so happens, Severus, that I _do_ have a plan…" Severus looked at him, intrigued. "Next Friday evening is our monthly Order of the Phoenix meeting. And I have finally decided that we are going to…" Snape wondered what it could be: would they plan to kill Voldemort, take out a few Death Eaters, or aid the Ministry of Magic? "…play Twister!!!" Dumbledore shouted and beamed with joy. Snape just groaned and walked away.

Meanwhile, back at Malfoy Manor, Voldemort was glaring evilly. He had just found a patch of dust on the armoire he had already dusted three times. From beneath his robes, in the place where his wand should have been, he withdrew a large feather duster. After eradicating any last traces of dust, he hurried back downstairs with a new spring in his step, his white apron swinging in front of him.

He had so much to do today. What with the daily cooking and cleaning, how was he to make time for doing Bellatrix's hair, color coding Draco's robes, or watching Martha Stewart demonstrate how to make a chandelier from a tiki torch, a few pipe cleaners, and a pineapple? Perhaps Draco's wardrobe could wait until tomorrow….

The other Death Eaters were gathered in the study. They had been discussing what could have possibly lead Voldemort to his current state and how in the world they were going to get back their old Voldemort.

"I think," Wormtail said seriously, "that if we just provoke him enough, he'll go back to normal!"

"I've got an idea," Lucius said as he pretty much just reworded Wormtail's argument. "If we could say or do something to him that would get him really angry, he may return to his normal state." The problem with this plan, however, was that none of them wanted to volunteer to have Voldemort really angry with them. Before anyone else could voice their opinion, there came a strange chanting noise from outside. The Death Eaters pulled back the curtains to see what was causing the commotion….

"So when we looked out the window," Wormtail recounted to Voldemort, several minutes later, "we saw…we saw…Oprah!" Voldemort merely continued to knit on his latest project – a secret potholder for Harry Potter. "And she brought back up! Her really powerful friends! There was Tina Turner, John Travolta, Sidney Potier, Maya Angelou, Halle Berry, and that Gayle woman that nobody's ever heard of." Out of breath, Wormtail paused. He, along with the other Death Eaters, was hoping this news might snap Voldemort back to reality. Voldemort, however, continued to knit as he spoke.

"Oh. Perhaps I should go bake them some cookies." Everyone just looked at each other and silently left the room. A few minutes later, Severus Snape arrived.

"My Lord, I believe that now may be an opportune time to strike. Dumbledore has let his guard down. You should go after the boy."

"You mean Harry?" Voldemort smiled. "Oh no. I've decided I'm not going to try to kill Harry Potter any longer. From now on, my goal is to rid the world of my new worst enemy – cell phone companies…all of them…as soon as I finish all of this housework of course!"

"About that," Snape continued, deciding this would surely provoke Voldemort into action. "I just had a conversation with Dumbledore and he seems to no longer see you as a threat. He says you're not a Dark Lord anymore but more of a…desperate housewife." Snape cringed, waiting for the blow. Voldemort jumped up, enraged.

"WHAT?! How dare he! I'll get him back if it's the last thing I do! He _will_ suffer for this! … Just as soon as my homemade blueberry muffins come out of the oven!"

Next time: Snape reluctantly attends the OotP meeting and is forced to play Twister while Voldemort and Oprah have their final showdown.


End file.
